Quiescent

I had some feelings, just put some of them into words.. I know you know how it is

Put new bed sheets tonight — last night.
Wasn’t planning on testing them the whole day long

Somewhere in that limbo I dreamt of a white cat—
one who was asleep on my lap

Dreamt a lot more of course but can’t remember now,
there was no energy to write it down

Even now I remember his weight. Not the cat’s of course, no.
My dog’s — whose whimpers would know, while scratching under the door.

He would know
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I can feel so lonely sometimes in here
though I am the one who puts the weight against the door.
Yeah, the lock’s not enough here

I can always hear them laughing after I leave the table
I can hear the soccer match at the park, the dogs barking,
the incessant bass from that goddamned bar,
and the fireworks from the neighbors next door.

Why. There’s no celebration,
only the allergies their negligence gives me

All of this through my window that shows me nothing
just another four sad, badly painted walls.

My stupid walls are as white and unadorned as I am.
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No seasons here, nothing ever changes
You all speak of it, and it stings me to my core how I’m so far away—
again.

Only music, who now becomes my pain once more
My one constant I can never be sure of
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No strength to reach out, but… at least this time I know I can.
I know I will next time
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Next time… damn
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I’m writing now and it gives me back my self to me,
for a while.
That small breath of fresher air

How can there be a purpose to it all, a reason.
Please let there be one—
one that I cannot see from beneath my bed sheets.

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